Keeping a pet teenager – Part One

So, you went out and got yourself a cute little baby as a pet.  Before you know it, they have grown out of their nappies and evolved into a teenager.  If you take good care of your teenager, he/she will provide you with many years of fun and amusement.  But beware there are some tricks to keeping these as pets.  Knowing and understanding your pet can help to keep them and you healthy and sane.

The first thing to remember about teenagers is that they are not human.  During their teenager years they evolve into strange creature that defy normal human rules of hygene, behaviour, risk , aversion, social etiquette and speech.  Don’t be surprised if your teenager loses the ability to communicate, wash, act civil, shower, or act sensibly near cliff edges.  Remember they are invincible and cannot die.

Do not stress about any of these behaviours.  Believe me, its not you, its them.  Smile, laugh and move on.  They will move on one day too.  One day they will choose your nursing home, spoon feed you and wipe the drool from your chin.  This is a time in your life where you do not want their memories of you in their teenage brain to be unpleasant ones.

Here are a couple of examples of teenage behaviour considered abnormal in humans, but is quite common amongst the teenager. 

The first is slothfulness.

Here is my teenager sitting on a child’s chair to eat breakfast because he was too lazy to take the chair behind him off the table to sit on like a normal human. 

You will notice that his chosen mode of repose is extremely uncomfortable, liable to break the child’s chair and cause bodily injury, and probably takes more effort than taking a real chair down to sit on.  The natural reaction of a human being on observing this behaviour is to automatically point out the alternative chair readily available.  This is a mistake commonly made by owners new to keeping teenagers.  You cannot attempt to use logic on a teenager.  These rules of logic and behaviour do not apply.  If you are lucky you will escape with a few grunts followed by a bout of sullen silence.  Alternatively, he may become aggressive, argumentative, slam doors, punch holes in the wall and remind you of all your personality flaws.  The best approach to these quirky behaviours is just to learn to enjoy them.

The second is competitiveness.

Teenagers are quite competitive in unusual ways.  Each teenager will have their own special talent or skill that they excel in.  The secret to keeping your teenager happy, is to discover their unique talent, and then train, encourage and build their skills in this area.  Some teenagers have an obvious talent in something such as sports, or maths or acting.  Other teenagers may have to be observed closely for many months before you can discover their unique talent.  Don’t worry if their unique talent is not immediately apparent.  Stick to watching them and you will discover their special skill.  After many months of watching my latest teenager, it was some time before I was able to pinpoint his special skill.  Here is his latest effort at stacking dishes. 

 

As you can see I have been training him and now he can stack three consecutive meals worth of dishes in one tray. With active encouragement he is now in training to represent Australia in the world dish stacking championships to be held on Tokyo this summer.

 

Stay Tuned for part two where we look at how to feed your pet teenager.

 

 

There's a fire in the house

A funny thing happened last night.  Funny looking back – not so funny at the time.

The power had been out all day and it was a balmy evening so we decided to cook on the barbecue until the power came back on.  The electricity people were fixing some poles but managed to dig up the council water mains (as you do) and were a bit slow getting the power back on.

Just after lighting the BBQ the power came back on.  Yay.  When dinner was nearly ready I wandered down to the bedroom to let dearly beloved who was with the baby know dinner would be ready soon.  Whilst down there she said can you smell something burning.  I, for a laugh said “Oh that’s just the house burning down”

Now here is a tip for the unwary – never joke about such.

On the way back outside through the kitchen I thought I would test the smell and see if there was any substance to the burning smell or if it was just BBQ smoke wafting through the house.  Of course I had a cold so I was a littler olfactory challenged at the time.

Through kitchen – Yes there is a burning smell that is not quite wood smoke.  Continue on outside – No its definitely stronger inside.

Return to kitchen – Check stove – Off, Check oven – off Check grill On – someone must have knocked it.

Now I will pause in the telling of the story here for a moment to give you the background to the next sequence of events.  I was unaware of this background at the time and it helps the story to tell it now as it explains what happened.

My dearly beloved, upon awakening in the morning decided to cook for brunch, bacon and eggs.  Eggs on the stove top and bacon in the grill.  Upon turning said cooking devices on she discovered the lack of energy to our residence was interfering with her plans for said brunch.  She turned the stove off – but not the grill.  During the day the grill door was closed.  When the power came back on the grill came back on and was heating up the grill tray which contained a quantity of bacon fat having not been cleaned by the elves since our last bacon cooking episode. Now back to the story.

Having discovered the grill was on – as indicated by the little light – I decided it must have been accidentally knocked on a smidgen during the days cleaning activities.  Having noticed a slight smell – I thought I would open the grill door to just check what it was that was burning.

Big Mistake.  At this point  in time the grill had been on for about 20 minutes and the bacon fat was well heated to smoking point but had no access to oxygen.  When I opened the door a huge plume of smoke poured out an oxygen poured in to the grill.  About one half of a second later the whole plate of bacon fat caught fire and leapt out the grill and started attacking the rubber seals on the oven and a couple of the kids paintings on the cabinets above the oven.

Brain kicked in and told me this was getting out of hand very quickly.  First reaction – call for help. Second reaction.  Hmmm need fire extinguisher said brain left.  Brain right says we don’t have one.  What do we have says left brain.  Fire blanket in laundry behind the mountain of plastic bags we are keeping.  Go grab fire blanket whilst continuing to yell for help.  Not sure what I need help for at this stage – just know this is getting out of hand.  Where the hell is this fire blanket and why on earth do we need so many plastic bags?

At this stage youngest son manages to peel himself away from computer games to see what dad is doing in the kitchen and why the house is now full of thick white smoke.  At this stage I should also mention the fire alarm decided to wake up and tell me something I already knew – the house is full of thick white smoke.

I used the fire blanket to smother the fire but it was still so hot that renegade flames still kept poking their head out from under the blanket to say hello.  All whilst still calling for help.  Finally at this stage with thick white smoke in the house, the fire alarm beeping continuously (rather annoyingly I must say), dad yelling for help and youngest son being very excited having seen a real live kitchen fire and demonstration of the use of a fire blanket, oldest son manages to pause his game long enough to  find his way to the kitchen.  I have decided at this stage that cause I can’t get the blanket all the way over the plate it needs to come out.  Luckily I have a pair of grandmas industrial grade oven mitts handy.  They don’t make them like that anymore. Eldest son – always cool in a crisis – says “what do you want me to do”.  I say open the front door – which he does whilst I carry tray out to the front lawn with occasional flames streaming from the plate when a waft of oxygen finds its way under the blanket.

Upon fulfilling his familial duties, eldest son then returns to his game amidst the house full of thick white smoke, annoyingly beeping smoke alarm, freaked out dad and excited younger brother.

He later would confide “Well I could see you had everything under control and there was nothing left for me to do”

Well the story ends here pretty much.  The fans were turned on and the building excavated for smoke.  i found out that eucalyptus oil can clean smoke and burn marks off a glass oven front really easily.  we need a new rubber for the grill.  I got a small burn to the forearm that should be right in a day or two.

The safety committee (beloved who stayed in bedroom throughout and eldest daughter who also stayed in room with earphones on) did a full review on the procedures in place and decided I should have just shut the grill door again.  Possibly they were right, but then there would be no flames and excitement to go with this story. 

Sailing

Family Sailing to be precise.  Me, my good wife (as opposed to my bad wife) and eldest daughter have signed up for a 7 week sailing course.  Unfortunately, as the senior member of the family (yes I am the oldest - not just a patriachal position of authority) and a male, the good wife expects me to instantly aquire the skills to sail around the world in a smooth and competant manner whilst she sips champagne and looks glamorous with the wind in her hair pouting on the bow as the sea spray miraculously sprays all around but not on her.

Reality check.  Last weekend was our third week and we covered abandoning ship.  Whilst tacking into the wind, said seafaring captain lost control of the rudder, boat span out of control and tipped precariously catching the captain off guard and unceremoniously being dumped in the drink whilst the sail boat careered away up the river with the crew (No. 1 daughter) still in boat.  Luckily (for me) the boat capsized shortly thereafter and I was able to swim across and rescue No. 1 and right the boat.  However, since then the good wife (GW) has described the incident as Captain abandoning ship and added a few years of training to our timeline for a classic sailing round the world trip.

This week the training module covered advanced topics such as steering without a tiller and towing.  The club does a lot of sail training and said boats are not the highly maintained scarcely used sailing sloops they once were.  They are certainly well loved, but the fixtures and fittings are well worn with numerous bodge jobs from gaffa tape and a piece of old fencing wire to make them servicable.  This week, once again with Dear Old Dad at the helm we tacked again only to find the boat spinning wildly in circles.  Now in the seafaring world it is not the done thing for crew to question the captain.  However, being new to sailing and unfamiliar with etiquette, crew asks what the bloody hell r u doing, before I even work it out myself.

Now when you are tacking, it requires the helsman(or woman) to change sides and steer the boat whilst passing the tiller from hand to hand behind his or her back.  During this time you are waiting for the sail to swing wildly from side to side so all eyes are at the front of the boat to avoid a collision between a fast moving piece of metal that holds the bottom of the sail (known by seafarers as the boom) and the head of helmsman (or woman).

After 3 weeks of practicing this tricky manoevre I thought I had the hang of it and everything was going smoothly.  Thus I couldn't understand why boat was moving in a direction different to the way I was steering with tiller.  As I turned head to look at what was going on it became apparent that bodge job of connecting tiller to rudder had failed, and now I was holding what was no longer a tiller, but a particularly useless piece of wood. The rudder was delighting in its new found freedom and whooping it up performing donuts in the sail boat that I am sure if it was being performed on dry land in a vehicle with smoking tyres would make Jeremy Clarkson proud.

Thank god for the rescue boat.  Another quick bodge job and we where away again.

Luckily for me, my pride was restored later in the day when GW and No. 1 went sailing in same boat later in the day without self.  With a good tidal rain and a stiff easterly breeze, the boat decided it would be funny to perform the same manoeuvre again.  Only this time the girls were whisked away upriver at a rapid rate of knots disappearing behind the she-oaks before the stiffening breeze blew the boat over and deposited girls in the drink.  The rescue boat appeared on the scene and the girls got a speed lesson on towing back up river.

Wonder what techniques we will be learning next week?

Hmmm here is a writing project I started in 2007 - never actually finished it but I will have another crack at it.  Its all about our family trip around OZ - the greta adventure as we like to call it

 

"Our journey around Oz was an amazing experience. It was something we had been planning for a couple of years.

It started with considering when and where. We knew we wanted to go to the top end so we had to avoid the wet season. More important than the weather was considering the kids. Sarah is 11 (Year 5), Evan is 9 (year 3) and Harry is (5) - pre-school. As we were planning to take 6 months off we didn't want to interupt Harry's first year at school, and Sarah is nearly at High School which is a big transition. With this in mind, 2007 was the time to go.

Having that sorted we started with keeping an eye out for a 4WD. We wanted one with plenty of room for the kids and luggage, but not too big. Emma had never driven one before and was a bit freaked out by the idea. She's come round now though.

Well we broke the first rule of car buying - never buy from a mate. We had decided on a Pajero or Prado, and it so happened that a mate was buying a new one and had a trade in. It seemed to good to be true - and it was. It had a bit of an engine noise that I was worried about and so we had an NRMA pre-purchase vehicle inspection. The NRMA told us it had a bit of an engine noise - fullstop. When i asked them what that might mean the mechanic could not elaborate any further. Great service for $250.

Decided to take the gamble anyway and bought a 1993 Mitsubishi Pajero. The most modern and expensive vehicle we had ever owned ($6000). Power steering, power windows, central locking. It was a big step up from our little Corolla.

They say poverty is owning a horse. Well we reckon the 4WD must be a bloody donkey. First things we had to do was re-register the beast. New tyres, new windscreen adn a couple of other bits and pieces and the purchase price went up to $8000. About 3 months down the track coming back from a Sunday outing, the old engine noise - the one I was worried about, gets a whole heap worse. Heads were turning in the street as we rattled home. We were just glad we made it and weren't stranded on the highway.

We made it home and rattled down to the servo the next day. I says to my regular mechanic, "We have an engine noise".

He Says "What sort of noise"

I say "An expensive noise"

He laughs.

I do not.

$8000 later we have a rebuilt engine, with new cooling system and fuel injection system. Apparently the bearings in the bottom end went, creating free play in the crank, which meant the piston was hitting the top of the cylinder. (technical talk) Basically there was a chunk of metal banging into another piece of metal at high speed 3000 times per minute. Thats gotta hurt (my wallet).

But we now had a car we could rely on.

Next we shopped around got a custom made trailer. No - not a camping trailer, just a trailer. We decided we were tenting it - so we needed lots of room to carry stuff. Our car was full of people, so we needed a trailer.

Emma was amazed when I bought it home. I must say I was also surprised about the reactions to the trailer. Blokes flocked around it. I had developed a relationship with the bloke who made it - consulting back and forth about the design. He was so impressed he came back a couple of weeks later and took some photos.

Anyhow thats todays blog - preparation for the big trip.

Next blog I might recall some of the great places we went."

The end

It had been a hard four day hike.  Quite a bit harder than planned.  Walking over 70 km through some rugged bushland between Sydney and Newcastle.  Some amazing country.  In the heat of the day, walking over sandstone plateaus with no shade.  One wonders how the vegetation can find any water at all.  It felt like the dessert as the sun beat down on you relentlessly.  But then you turned a corner, scrambled down a steep slope into a ravine, and you were in the cool of a rainforest gully with water cascading down through green mossy rocks.  You could forget all about what was going on up there. Recharge the batteries then back up the hill into the dessert.

I love this country.  It just feels like home.  I grew up bushwalking in the sandstone areas of the South Coast.  I just know it so well I feel like I am alive and part of it.

Toward the end of the walk the aching muscles complained more and more – but you could see the end in sight.  We approached the cliffs overlooking the magnificent Hawkesbury gorge.  The sunlight skimmed over the clear blue waters.  The breathtaking beauty was an instant cure for those tired muscles, and gave strength to the mind to continue on.  One more scramble down a steep rocky incline and we ran onto the white sands of the beach and plunged our weary feet into the cool waters to bath the blisters.

Bliss.

Our next adventure was about to begin.

After all the effort and planning and determination to complete the hike we had done it.  We treated ourselves to some real food.  Well chips on the waterfront.  Its not reconstituted.

We jumped in the car and decided to head back to Yarramalong.  The young Venturer Scouts were doing the same walk in reverse and we had left a car there for them to pick up.  We left the key to the scout hall where we would be staying tonight before heading home.  So we thought we could take the key and have first go and a nice long hot shower before they did.

We hopped in the car and headed down the road and then.... came the phone call.  Eli had run down to Yarramalong because Jo had been bitten by a tick and had an allergic reaction.  Within 10 minutes he had a rash all over his body, was getting hot and sweaty and they didn’t think they should move him.  He was on a bush track about 2 and a half km from the end of the walk.

Brain kicks in.  What is worse case scenario.  Anaphalaxis.  Stops breathing.  Dies.  Bugger. What to do.

Tell Eli to stay by phone.  Jo has no medication (anti histamines).  We are on way – will get some medication on way.

Think through problem rationally.  Call Eli back.  Ask him if Jo is still breathing.  Yes.  Any trouble breathing, swelling around face or  mouth.  Some swelling around eyes. OK.  Talk Eli through this.  If he is still breathing and not having trouble – all will be well.  If he starts having swelling around the throat – need to call an ambulance.  If he is still breathing fine – we need to get him out of the bush to medical help.  The only way we can do that is for him to walk.  Tell Eli to get back to Jo and carry his pack out and walk him out slowly.

We drove into Wyong to try and find the medication from a pharmacist.  Stopped by one of these massive shopping centres.  Walking through this massive shopping centre stinking from a 4 day hike, walking in bare blistered feet looking for a pharmacist with a sense of urgency.  I wonder what people thought of me?

Jumped back in car and drove like the billy-o – as safe as can be.  10-20kph over the limit is still safe right? 

The next problem – we don’t have phone contact where Jo is so we have to find the five walkers.  Stay calm.  We stop by Yarramalong to find Bill – the kind resident who lent Eli the phone.  No they hadn’t come back through.  Drive the 1km up the road to where the bush track takes off.  Evan grabs the medication and runs off to find Jo while I put my boots on.

We start walking. 1km goes by and no sign of anyone.  Another km goes by and we meet a woman walking the other way.  No she hasn’t seen anyone.  Hmmm something is not quite right here.  Walking on a bit further we hear some Cooo-eees bounding up the valley.  A red faced red-haired Eli comes panting up behind us.  They had walked Jo from the bush track up a ridge to the main road and all was well.  Great – we had found him.

Ummm Eli – can you go and find Evan up ahead.  I was exhausted – not just physically now – but mentally as well.  Brave Eli raced on ahead to try and catch Evan who was running to give Jo his medication.

Kate and I turned around and headed back to the car.  When we arrived. Jo, Steph, Sarah and Lachlan were waiting.  All was well.  Jo’s rashes had gone down, and he was feeling better.  Just needed his medication.  Ferried some of the walkers back to Yarramalong whilst we waited for Eli and Evan to return.

 

A dramatic end to a classic hike.

An ending I could have done without.